Dating apps only show a small part of a person. The part they think would be the most attractive to whom they are trying to attract. The photographs may be old. People lie about their age and height, revealing some superficial insecurity. Their location may be wrong if they have recently moved or are planning to move soon. They may want the world to see them as fun and spunky, when in reality they are quiet and creepy. There’s no way to know what a person is really like based on the profile.

No one puts their trauma online. You don’t know what they have been through to get to this point. Information can be omitted on purpose, such as a hometown. I did not add mine for a while because I didn’t want anyone to assume things about me. South Carolina is known for being ultra conservative and racist, and for it’s poor educational systems with twangy accents. So I understand when other keep it hidden as well. I never imagined this omission could be for safety reasons as well.

There are options on these apps to add languages spoken. Languages can be learned in school or needed for a job, so I don’t assume these mean anything either. Just because someone adds “speaks Korean” to their profile does not mean they are themselves Korean. After you connect on the app, however, there are tells if someone is not a native English speaker. One tell is poor grammar, but not in a lazy way: switching verb tenses or using plurals where it does not make sense. My European coworker often confuses gender pronouns, but it is never on purpose. Another tell is poor planning skills simply because their vocabulary is limited. I almost canceled my first date with this man because I initially thought he was a lazy texter. Even though I had to do all the planning, I gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe his English will be better face-to-face.

We met at a huge local coffee shop. He was charming, paid for my meal, and had a super interesting life story. Throughout the conversation he gave off clues that he had escaped from North Korea without actually saying it outright. Clues such as he cannot return to his hometown to visit friends or family. He was from a section of Korea that borders China and Russia. At the time, I knew nothing of the geography and political boundaries of the region, so I thought he meant the northern part of South Korea. Once I realized, I stopped him and asked directly. “Wait, are you saying you’re from North Korea?” He said it is like a prison there, and that his family escaped when he a was a teenager. Now he works as a chef. I was baffled and speechless and felt stupid for not being more knowledgeable and sympathetic.

As I drove away, my heart inflated with curious excitement. What is love but an inexhaustible fascination with another person? I wanted to tell everyone I saw about him because he is an abnormality. I thought to myself, “Look what I found!? Isn’t it crazy!?” I dreamed of what my family would say if I brought him home for the holidays. The most unique significant other for my generation. I could bring stability and community to his life. I even invited him to visit my church because he was a protestant Christian like me. However, my wise friends quickly pointed out that my “crush” may not be for him as a person, but for his crazy life. With their apt insight, I tried to reign in my infinite wonderment.

Every time he and I chatted, he revealed more about his past. On the second date he disclosed he and his dad were caught a couple times in China and sent back. This means he has spent some time in jail. I didn’t ask many questions about his earlier days even though I wanted to know all about his previous life. If we were to date properly, then I was more interested in who he was today and possibly tomorrow. The details of the past will be revealed in time. He wanted to share his story though, and he was waiting for me to ask more questions. He is in the process of writing a book to explain what he’s been through because he genuinely wants to talk about it.

Communication was difficult at times. If I was stressed at work, he texted that he can come and bring me calming tea. As a practical person, I was confused by this method of flirting because he has no idea where I actually work. He also admitted he wanted to switch careers to a more respectable one – a police officer. I tried to tell him a chef is already a respected job here. Public safety is a dangerous occupation, and I personally don’t want to be worried every night if my spouse will return home in one piece.

He had been living in my city a few years now, but he had no ability to plan a regular casual afternoon. His ideas for a date were off the wall random places over an hour away that I vetoed since we were meeting after work hours. At this point my fascination was replaced by annoyance and a bit of exhaustion. I had to face the facts that, although I want to be in a relationship with a man that intrigues me, I also want someone who can listen and respond to what I say. After I vetoed his suggestions, he gave up and forced me to plan the next date again. Instead of sharing his opinions, he often said, “Whatever you want is fine with me.” This left me with the burden of making all decisions. What he was presenting to me was not the kind of relationship I wanted.

On our third date I had to tell him how I felt. Our communication style and expectations did not align. I felt like I had to “break up” with him on the third date, only eleven days after we had met. That was the first time I’d been left at the table of a restaurant, and I’m sure it won’t be the last.