I dyed my hair a different color. (Rather, I went to a hair salon and had some of my hair dyed, but same difference.) It’s just a bit on the underside, not too crazy. My entire life, I swore that was one thing I would never do. I’m in my thirties now and wanted to do something fun and new. I’d been thinking about it since my last hair cut several months ago. But the final push I needed was hearing the news that my ex-boyfriend got engaged.

Hearing his name like this out of the blue brought back a flood of bad memories that triggered a trauma response in me. My insomnia came back. I threw up. I had diarrhea. I stayed home “sick” from church and work. I had already been feeling like I was “behind” in life, stuck in one place while my entire family rushed ahead by getting married, buying houses, and having babies.

However, remembering Bobby actually helped me get out of that negative funk. My triggered response to his news was not because I missed him, quite the opposite. I am so happy and grateful that it’s not me – I am not the one who has to marry him. We were so very wrong for each other. While pondering about the intensity of my reaction, I realized I still had unfinished business with my feelings surrounding him and the break up. For example, I finally summoned the courage to tell my friends and extended family about the time he punched me straight in the gut. I had kept this story a secret for over two years. I myself almost forgot it happened because I suppressed the memory. Telling people close to me relieved a lot of that negative tension inside me.

Much has changed since then. I had to reach rock bottom before understanding that everyone has their own path. I had to let go of the fantasies I thought my life would be like at this point. I love myself better now. I forgive myself better. I actually love being single (for now). I love my hair. I love my roommate and our apartment with all its quirks. I love my job. I love my church. I love that I don’t have to share my money with anyone right now. I love my nerdy friends. I love my family so much that my heart often feels as though it could burst. I always know that I am loved eternally by the God who made the universe. I know I am where I am supposed to be right now. I belong here and not there. I am full, even when I feel empty. They say happiness is fleeting, but so is sadness.

Dying my hair was one way I could take back control of those negative feelings by doing something crazy just for me. No one told me to do this, and this is always where my path was leading. To purple hair at age thirty. I am becoming more of myself each day. The past will not hold me back. I felt so empowered walking out of that salon.

-It took me several months to write this post. These events happened way earlier this year, and I’ve had the color touched up once.